The Reflection is Overwhelming me. Or is it Just me Overwhelming the Reflection?

When I look in the mirror I hardly recognize myself. When I sit still I don’t feel anything like myself. I’ve changed faster than a leaping tadpole in the past few months: there is a baby growing in my belly, I am now the super age of 30, I traveled with my Mamma to India, oh and I was promoted. Along with the current wedding planning… (aka wedding backtracking because the dress won’t fit anymore) I’m beginning to think again about that quicksand, but in a different way. More like a whirlpool, or even better, the grand black hole! Yes, it is like a black hole: the mass of things that are happening in my life right now is so great, the gravitational pull swallows everything and even warps space time.

I don’t want to sound ungrateful for a second; I just want to document the feeling. I created this black hole and the more I explore and understand it, the more I realize I wouldn’t want it any other way or have it located in any other part of my universe.

I am beginning to wonder: although it is great to have all these spokes for my wagon wheel, is it possible to have too many? Is the wheel truly infinite and if so, as we approach infinity, does the quality or rather the limit of the spoke equal zero? By having more spokes, do we make the other ones thinner?

The greatest thinning effect so far has been on my memory. They call it 'pregnancy brain', I call it 'doing too many things at once brain'. What scares me is that it will all go by, before I even have the chance to enjoy it. Additionally, one of the greatest struggles I’ve overcome is taking the edge off. So many new responsibilities provide so many new planets to juggle. In the past nothing could satiate me better than a few good beers. Sure a drink now and then they say is fine, and I saw the gal put beer in the bottle that night on the patio in Germany, “It helps her sleep”, but I’m talking about fine inTOXICation. That is what I need and what I cannot have.

Although, I can have music. As much as I want, whenever I want, even at work and it works even better. Nothing makes me wiggle like that. Nothing makes the rhythm of my heart change like that. Beer never made me feel that good in my soul, not even Paulaner on tap at Oktoberfest in München, and not even Winter Solstice at Humpy’s in Alaska on the longest day of the year.

Music holds it all together so much so that I think as long as it is part of the equation, the wagon wheel has no limit.

* This is a photo I took when we were in Agra (there is a reflection in the water).